This time baby, I'll be bulletproof.

ive tried doing two other xanga entries earlier this week. each didnt go through. if this one does i'll sigh with relief.

"I adore her. I'd give up so much for her company. Just wow, when she's around I cant get enough." and i turned to Mary later and I go, "You know how you asked me if I knew how much I liked your cousin?" and she goes, "Yeah?" and I say, "I realized. As Chris was talking I realized thats how I feel about your cousin." Honest.

last night was one of the worst nights. mary and i went and saw chris, which was good. when we got back we got high. really high. near the end of the night i wanted ice cream and i ended up eating almost all of the haujen das (thats not spelt right) small carton. i did take my lactose pills. id like to point that out. As i went to bed I felt shitty. Woke up at 2 and threw up my brains. then to boot, i fainted and went face first into the kitchen floor. my knees still hurt. no one heard. i dont know how. i woke up and my moms cat was licking my face. it was odd. the feeling was coming back in my body. also my sence of hearing was coming back. i remember telling myself to go slow.

we still dont have plane tickets....

you piss me off. you have no idea! i remember sitting there talking with mary and saying, "she was one of those people that i wanted to tell the good things to. thats rare. i dont have many people that close to me. I didnt only need her when things were bad, I wanted to tell her when things were good."

i always have "Strange and Beautiful" stuck in my head. sometimes i sing it when i wake up.

i was scheduled for 3-8 but work called me in early. wish my stomach luck. :)

so call it quits or get a grip.
you say you wanted a solution.
you just wanted to be missed.

Well maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in
-Jimmy Eat World

I wish i could show you what love feels like.

obama is so sexy!

the way amber and i talked about zack and my relationship today was so normal, so calm. so relaxed. it amazed me that i talked that way and it did not phase me. "Sometimes people dont work out." and i fully have accepted it. but I do wish it was easier. its hard to explain, sometimes he still does fit perfectly because we know each other so well which makes it all hard to walk away from because I do love him. Its hard to let go of someone you love who you can no longer be fond of anymore. I tried. he makes me feel horrible now. It breaks my heart. I can feel it.

two weeks until i go to florida. i cant believe it!

my sister comes home december 21st through the 2nd. its great but it will be hard to leave her and rob. i'll cry. i'll cry when i'm leaving and i'll be crying when i land. it will be a crazy ride.

I came across pictures of bry in his affliction shirt. that was my tuesday night if i had to wrap it up in one sentence.

tomorrow mary and i buy tickets to california. wow. what a relief. what a step.

i got a new piercing and i love it. i also finally got a new winter coat. it is cute.

i really shouldn't miss you,
but i can't let you go.
- kelly clarkson

"once you break up with someone where does that love go?"

It happened right then. He looked at me, and it was the thing I'd been waiting for but didn't know it. I don't mean anything like I fell in love or even into a crush or anything like that. It was knowing someone else thought about me for more than one second, maybe even thought about me when I wasn't there.
You oughta know, tonight is the night to let it go.

I died for you one time, but never again.

the first icon reminds me of the shirts daphne, mary, and i got in califronia.

I was sitting in math today. we have an attendance folder. on the cover of the folder we all have our own square. you make a check mark for the days you're there. there are 3 days for each column representing a week. i looked at my square. i thought, wow theres alot checked off. i counted. 6 weeks until december vacation, wow.

does flavored water count as your 8 glasses of water?

last night i missed our friendship. i wonder if you'll miss it to.

last night i also felt dumb. i dont know why i stay.

"I just want to see you when you're all alone."

deadweight all right i know you're no good for me.

yeah you were right about me
but can i get myeself back from
underneath this guilt that will crush me
and in the choir i saw our sad Messiah.
he was bored and tired of my laments.
said, "i died for you one time, but never again"

say your sorry that face of an angel comes out
just when you need it too. as i pace back and forth
all this time cause i honestly believed in you.
holding on, the days drag on, stupid boy
i should've known, i should've known.
-white horse

is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
i am the watch you always wear, but you forget to wind.

Now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick.
And it's all in my head, but she's touching his chest now.
He takes off her dress now...

"why are you doing this?" she spoke as if not expecting a response
her voice penetrated the still air of our speechless drive,
so suddenly that my heart had jumped
"i'm not doing anything," i said, but i didn't even believe that myself
"this is what's best, for me, for you," or maybe just for me i thought,
as a tear formed in the pit of her eye.

Circles

im such a weirdo. everyday since thursday i've been making stats on plane tickets to be prepared. not even as much to help but to keep me sane. i dont know if that makes sence to anyone, maybe a very few. i know plans dont work out. but planning, calms me down.

i'm watching cold case. theres this beautiful girl in it. i love her personality. whenever you're yourself, people kill you.

i cant wait for sparkling juice to come out :). haha.

these last few days of work have been hell. i have been in the worst mood. i really dont want the flu again this year! i've already been stuck in bed for almost a month which is to must time wasted. this women comes in and says, "Hi i'd like to return this." I go "alright." and she pulls out a thermeter. then she tells me this LONG story about how her daughter has the flu and this thermeter doesnt work because she knows her daughter is sick. Here I am, staring at this thermeter like "wow, I'm going to get sick." I take the thermeter. throw it in a back. dont even ask if its okay to return. i'm getting that thing out! and as she's signing the reciept she goes, "I feel like crap, I think I'm starting to get the flu too." My eyes widened. I rushed for hand sanitizer and then buy airbourne. I've never been such a germ freak but seriously if you feel it coming on, stay home! its a 3 month return policy for godsake. All these people came in with mask for the pharmacy on halloween night. yay...

i'm talking to you. im in such a bad mood. i shouldnt be.talking to you. for more reason then one tonight. i was surprised today when you texted me. it was random. not anything that you said, just that it was today. i wish i wasnt so stuck on the fact you did. i shouldnt be so stuck on you. you dont feel that way. right? so why didnt we both just let it disingrate? I've been close to a bunch of boys as friends and we never stay this close, this way. one thing that i remember Beto saying while he was here was he was talking about him with the older woman. He goes, "no he doesnt care about her that way. you can tell by the way he acts." then he looks at me.

hes talking to me. i tell him, 'you're getting on my last nerve'. (which is true) he laughs. he has to work and says 'i'll be asleep by the time i can talk again'. i said, 'oh damn' (sarcasticly). he says, 'dont worry i'll check up on you tomorrow.' fuck!

i like what amber said. about how she thinks its cute i blush. its nice that someone thinks all of this is cute. i have such a crush.

"When the sea takes me like my mother's arms
I will breathe free as any word of God "

"kill me burn me down i swear i won't forget."

"We've been talking from different states. I've never laid my eyes on a girl this way."

jump and fall into me.

and i was the one that decided to light you on fire
and you were a tree with a root that was wrapped in my brain

and I’m not sure what the trouble was
that started all of this
The reasons all have run away
but the feeling never did.

although maybe all these moments are just in my head
i’ll be thinking ‘bout them as I’m lying in bed
and all that I believe might never really come true
but in my mind I’m havin’ a pretty good time with you

It's about to begin.

i have a tv schedule. it changes usually every season. right now its 11AM price is right. 12AM scooby doo. 1230. jetsons. 1PM OC.  3PM One tree hill. It's usually how my thursdays work... plus homework. how exciting. But I think everyone deserves a tv day once in awhile.

i have a lot of homework to do today. i dont really want to do it. i like when amber yells at me about it. it makes me feel like she's still there in a way. i dont have any friends in my classes. i'm comfortable in them. everyone is nice but english is quiet. math is good, i sit with viviana and sam and its usually a good time. all in all, its okay. i dont know if i want to go back next semester. i should.

marys birthday was a lot of fun. it was good to just hang out as the three of us.

this is a picture update. they all mean something. infact all the quotes, icons, pictures.. they always mean something.

you told me you weren't going to do another long distance relationship again. i understood. but, the end is coming so soon.

i loved the coats at faces yesterday but they were so exspensive! :(

"I had a dream you came up to me and told me you never told me this but you loved someone else."

the night was young and so were we
talked about life, god, death, and your family
didn't want any promises,
just my undivided honesty.

There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it.. but trust me, there are some loves that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy.. but we all should be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity, someone who never lets go, someone who cherishes you forever.

"just a keep a hold on me, don't let go
if you float away, if you float away
waiting too long for a ship to come
don't you float away, don't you float away."

"Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes... "

i've got to be honest, i tried to escape you
but the orchestra plays on.

one last glance from a taxicab, images scar my mind
four weeks've felt like years since your full attention was all mine

"I will be seeing you soon and it will be better than anything else."